Small Small Catch Monkey

don't forget....

Fri, 19 May 2006 16:58:46 GMT

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Fri, 19 May 2006 16:10:02 GMT

So today was much more productive. I uncovered Jeanna's card table from the attic, brought my roses upstairs, and set myself up a nice little desk in my room. Lately I've been going a little nuts because I just feel so disorganized. I like knowing that my life is in some sort of order and the last week or so has been so busy that I haven't had time to keep up with stuff. It's particularly been bothering me that I no longer have any money coming in but I still have lots of stuff to buy and bills to pay before I leave. So the first order of business was getting all of my financial stuff in order. This didn't take as long as I thought it would and the good news is that I should be able to make it all work. I was rather surprised to figure out that even without living here and buying stuff and having the usual expenses it's still going to cost me about $7000 over the next two years. The majority of this is student loan payments that I'm going to try to keep making so I don't have to go thru the hassle of deferring them. I hate having debt. I also have some insurance payments and IRA contributions that it would be very easy to just stop for a couple years but I think down the line at some point I'll be glad I kept those up. So now I just need to cash in some savings and sell my car and I should be all set. Big weight off my shoulders. Then I just putzed around the rest of the day making lists of things I still need to do and buy and find out. Watched the season finale of Grey's Anatomy. Put all my addresses and phone numbers in this teeny tiny little address book to take with me. See? Productive. So now I'm going to go meet Anita for a drink or two to reward myself.

Fri, 19 May 2006 16:08:05 GMT

So yesterday was my last day at work and it was long and sad with some sweet surprises thrown in. I was tired from a long weekend of driving between Waterloo, Marshalltown, CR, and Dubuque so it was hard to get up for the Monday meeting. When we were done with all of the work related stuff we had going away cake and they gave me some gifts. Mostly practical stuff like sun block, pens, notecards, Easy Mac, toilet paper. All good things I'll need but the very best thing was this big journal that people wrote little notes and goodbye wishes in. It's fantastic. I love it. They must've been working on it for a while. I didn't have time to look at it closely then because I had to get to Jewett but as soon as I was done at the school I sat right outside in my car reading it. They probably thought I was some crazy person because I was laughing and crying just reading this book. They cut out pictures and stuff from magazines and put all sorts of random memories in here. And they photocopied something like 720 pennies and cut them out and pasted them all over the book--a penny a day for good luck every day that I'll be gone. Really very touched by this journal. It reminds me of a big yearbook from high school.
So the day started out great but when I got to work at 11 things went downhill. We were busy with customers and changing displays and trying to get ready for inventory and things just weren't going smoothly. Frustrating. Then round about 2pm Ernie comes in and brings me a yellow rose. So sweet. The day's getting a little better. Then an hour or so later I come back to the info desk and see a big bunch of red roses. They were from Adam and just so beautiful. Just what I needed to turn my day around. And then later on Symone sent some balloons with some Easy Mac as the weight. :) The rest of the day went very quickly, especially once the leads and managers and inventory people started showing up. I ended up not leaving until 10:30 or so. Just saying goodbyes and finishing up stuff and not wanting to leave. I knew once I started crying I'd be done for and I did ok saying most of my goodbyes until I came back to the breakroom one more time and started talking to Kate. And then I had to turn in my keys. And then I had to get one more hug from Tom. So then I just drove home with the radio off and me trying to balance two vases of flowers and keep the balloons out of the way. I'm so sad to be done working there but very happy and grateful for all of the memories.

Today I just took the day off and started a new book and took a long bubble bath and just did absolutely nothing all day. I did make it to yoga so I guess I did something, but nothing productive towards getting all my shit together and ready to go. Ah, well. There's always tomorrow.

awww...that's so sweet

Fri, 19 May 2006 16:04:21 GMT

Alex, one of the 'money guys', sent me a dozen roses at work today. They're all different colors and just beautiful. The card said, "Have a nice trip." Like I'm just going on vacation or something :) Those guys are always laughing and they keep us up to date on the latest weather patterns. You'd think carrying around a bunch of money that's not yours every day might make you bitter or jealous, but they just keep right on smiling. Karla thought it was weird but I still think it's just plain sweet.

Fri, 19 May 2006 16:02:58 GMT

So back in my school days anytime I had something unpleasant coming up like a final, paper, speech, etc. I would tell myself over and over 'by this time next month I'll be done...by this time next week I'll be done...by this time tomorrow I'll be done' and on and on until whatever it was that I was dreading had passed. It didn't really make time pass faster but just helped to remind me that this too will pass. So on my drive home tonight I couldn't help but think...'by this time next week I'll be done.' Only this time I'm wishing that time would actually slow down a bit. No actually, slow down a lot. Days are just flying by lately. I'm ready to be done with work but I just don't know how to say goodbye. A preview of things to come I guess. Trying to say goodbye's. Tonight in the car just thinking about next Monday made me sad.

in the small victories department

Fri, 19 May 2006 16:00:01 GMT

The other morning I had to get up at 4 am to make it from Des Moines to Waterloo by 7 o'clock. As I was stumbling to the bathroom I grabbed my shoes from the floor just outside the bathroom. It made me smile because they were sitting right by the heating vent and that made me remember his unfortunate encounter with a snake last fall. I think it's funny that he's so afraid of snakes. Yes, not fair of me to make fun, I know. Anyway, so I go into the bathroom and there on the rug is a large beetle. My first instinct was to smash it and then just tiptoe around the yucky guts. But then I got thinking that I need to start thinking about bug karma because pretty soon I'm going to be in an environment where they're going to be able to get me back big time. Long story short I spent 15 minutes trying to coax this beetle out of the corner so that I could get ready for work without having to kill him. This was a big deal for me. We co-existed.

the best laid plans of mice and men.....

Fri, 19 May 2006 15:57:17 GMT

Last Thursday at work I got a message from Adam that maybe I should check out some world news websites because something was going on in Chad. And then Symone said something. And then Tom brought in an article about rebels attacking in N'Djamena. I admit I've been living with a not so healthy sense of denial about the whole political situation over there. My attitude has been, if it's not safe they won't send me so there's no sense getting all worked up over every little bit of news about conflict over there. Besides, most of it is going on near the Sudan border and I've been assured by multiple people that it may as well be in another country for as far away as that is. I read what PC sent me, did some research on my own, talked to some knowledgeable people about the situation and was ok with it all. So this news on Thursday was unsettling for several reasons: first of all because the trouble was taking place in the capital city and people were killed and it just felt much more dangerous. The other reason that I was bothered was that people who have been very supportive were all of a sudden saying maybe you better rethink this and not go. It was hard enough dealing with my own doubts and concerns. Having other people voice the same concerns was messing with my head.
I spent all morning Friday looking at news sights trying to figure out what was going on. There was a lot of information about where these attacks were coming from and why. Reading the articles I got the impression that things would probably get worse before they got better--lots of conflict with the elections coming up in May. But then I found some more journal sites of current PCV's in Chad and they reiterated that they were safe and hopeful that things would calm down. Right before I got off the computer, however, I read a posting that said all of the current PCV's had been pulled out of Chad and were being moved to Cameroon. I was nervous about this news, but was really still hopeful that it was just a temporary thing and we would still be able to go. To answer one of my own questions I called Tim to see if I did end up not going in June, would I still have a job, or is it Mark's job come mid-July? He basically said that it's Mark's job as soon as he gets there, but they would find another spot for me while I waited for a new PC assignment. Maybe a temp. position in Des Moines?
I had the weekend off and was getting ready to go to Roseann's for the egg hunt with the kids when I decided to check my email Saturday morning. There was news that Peace Corps had decided to suspend the Chad program and the would be meeting on Monday the 17th to determine what to do next. I had heard that once they pull out it's usually years before they'll go back. So even though I had yet to hear anything official from anyone from PC headquarters I was pretty sure I would not be going to Chad. And this news made me very sad. As silly as it has sounded to certain people, I had really gotten attached to the idea of moving to and learning more about this country. I knew it was going to be hard, but that was part of the appeal. I was sad about the other people I've talked to who were also supposed to be going to Chad in June that now I'll probably never get the chance to meet. Not to mention all the people that I would have met actually in the country. It seems strange to be sad about not getting to meet people who you don't even know yet, but there it is. And I felt for the current volunteers in Chad who had to leave so quickly and maybe didn't even get a chance to say goodbye or wrap things up. I can't even imagine what they are going through right now. So all weekend I just had sort of an unsettled feeling not knowing what was going to happen. Would I just be reassigned somewhere else? Would it be soon? Would it still be in Africa? Would I have to start this whole big waiting game all over again? The thought of being back to square one is awful and if that would turn out to be the case I'd seriously rethink the whole idea of even joining Peace Corps. Not knowing any answers I decided to try not to think about it too much and hope for a phone call from PC on Monday.
The weekend was great. We flew kites with all the kids on Saturday then met Dad, Jeff, and Amy in Platteville for dinner. Got to talk to Kim for a little bit, but not nearly long enough. Saturday night Adam and I hung out downtown with Jeff & Amy and Dani & Scott at some of his old favorite bars. Long night. Sunday we had lunch with Adam's parents at their cabin. Very good weekend and I couldn't help but think that it might be all right if I didn't end up going somewhere. I could move to Des Moines and move on with my life and see if what has been so much fun long distance could actually be something more once we live in the same city. And this was really the first time that I let myself seriously think that I might not leave. There was just a glimmer that maybe this was happening for a reason.
So Monday afternoon at work I finally got the call at work from my placement officer saying that they were officially suspending the Chad program and here were my other options:
1) They have a teaching assignment in Cameroon that I qualify for. It's still a French speaking country and is more stable than Chad. The assignment will incorporate more AIDS awareness/prevention in my teaching duties. This program leaves on June 14th so that leaves one less week to spend with family.
2) There are some other business development assignments leaving in later June that I also qualify for. He didn't say, but I got the impression that these were also still in French-speaking Africa.
3) Go back to waiting for a new education assignment somewhere else. It could be this year, or it could be next year. I've been in that situation and don't want to go back to the waiting so I ruled out this option pretty quickly.
I also ruled out number 2 because since the very beginning I've wanted to go with education rather than business development. So that leaves number one.
I told Adam Monday night over the phone about this latest development and as I predicted, he didn't have much to say. It's his was of being supportive without trying to influence my decision or change my mind. And I can appreciate that but it's frustrating as hell. On the drive to work yesterday I tried to think about what exactly it is that I want him to say or I want to hear, but I didn't have any easy answers either.
So today I'm waiting for FedEx to deliver my official invitation kit so I can learn more about Cameroon. I told the placement officer that I'd let him know my decision on Thursday. It seems like a no brainer. I was ready to leave for Chad. Adam was ok with me leaving for Chad. So what's the big deal? I think what's getting me now is feeling like I have to choose again. Choose between a possible future with him or Peace Corps. Because for a couple days there was the possibility that I might not be leaving. So I think he thinks that that was my opportunity to stay. It wouldn't be me quitting, it would just be what the situation was. An easy way out. But, again, is it selfish of me to say that I'm not ready to give up on Peace Corps? That this is still something that I really want/need to do? I feel like I have to defend/justify/explain yet again my decision to go. And will he be able to understand it again? I don't know. But I'm gonna go to DM tonight to sort out face to face just what he's thinking instead of making assumptions of my own and trying to sort it out on the phone. We'll see.

oh no...

Fri, 19 May 2006 15:49:11 GMT

WASHINGTON, D.C., April 14, 2006 – Peace Corps Director Gaddi H. Vasquez has announced the temporary suspension of the Peace Corps program in Chad.

Over the past two months, there have been frequent attempts to destabilize the government of Chad by rebel forces in the country. In light of current conditions and concerns for volunteer safety, the Peace Corps has determined that a temporary suspension of the program is necessary.

"It is with tremendous regret that the Peace Corps is temporarily suspending its program in Chad at this time," said Director Vasquez. "The security of Peace Corps volunteers is the highest priority. All Peace Corps volunteers have safely left the country."

The Peace Corps first arrived in Chad in 1966 after the country gained independence from France. Volunteers provided support in education, health, water supplies and forestry until the program was closed in 1979. The Peace Corps re-entered Chad in 1987 and remained there until the program was closed again in 1998. The Peace Corps reopened the Chad program in 2003 with a focus on teaching English as a foreign language. In addition to teaching English, all volunteers incorporated HIV/AIDS education into their lesson plans and projects.

To date, a total of 726 volunteers have served in Chad. At the time of suspension, the Peace Corps had 29 volunteers in Chad.

peace corps...what else these days

Fri, 19 May 2006 15:48:06 GMT

So I've gotten used to getting the 'are you crazy, don't you know what's happening over there?!' look everytime I tell someone that I'm going to Chad (at least after I get done explaining to 75% of them where it is). I've gotten used to Tom trying to scare me with stories he heard on the news about fighting at the Sudanese border and pictures of giant spiders. I've gotten used to telling people that they won't send me somewhere if it's not safe and they'll pull us out if it becomes unsafe...and backing that up with stories from other volunteers who lived through it. What I'm not used to is getting anxious phone messages from the people who have promised to be supportive no matter what, who are now kinda sorta hinting that maybe I should rethink it. There's been some stuff going on in Chad. Threats of fighing and rebels in the capital. I know it's because they care that people just want me to be safe...but jeez o'pete's it's really starting to freak me out!

it's happy and sad

Fri, 19 May 2006 15:45:10 GMT

Went to AJ's for karoke and beer after the meeting tonight...I'm really going to miss those girls.

random bits of life

Fri, 19 May 2006 15:41:54 GMT

I'm hanging out at the Des Moines B&N today waiting for Adam to get off work. It's a sickness really...even on my days off I want to go to the bookstore. I love sitting in the cafe just people watching and eavesdropping on conversations.

Reminder to self: Subscribe to Mental Floss and Booklinks and pay for someone to send the issues to me in Africa. But then again, do I really want to be reminded of all the new books coming out that I can't read? Maybe just go with MF.

PC has decided (once again) that my teeth are healthy. My medical clearance better not expire before I leave because I really don't want to go thru all that fun again.

Speaking of Peace Corps, I'm beginning to come out again of this little dip/rut that takes over my emotions every so often. I know it's normal to feel the ups and downs. This last down was triggered by my car insurance bill. It came in the mail last week and reminded me that my next payment is due May 28th. I've always thought that I won't have to pay that because I'll be so close to leaving that I'll just sell my car by then and won't have to worry about insurance anymore. I started thinking about the fact that I'm reaching the point of no return. Ok, that's exaggerating a bit. But I've told them when I'm quitting at work and they've found my replacement. The pessimist in me says what if, in that month between when I quit and when I leave, something happens and I can't go to Chad. Either something happens in the country itself, which I don't expect, or I get there and decide that I can't do it, which I don't anticipate either, but come on, no matter how much I think about it with other current and/or returned volunteers, I don't think I can ever truly know what to expect or how I'll react until I'm in that moment. So then I'd be without a car, insurance, job or home. And that thought worries me a little bit when I wake up in the middle of the night, panicked from a dream about giant cockroaches. Agh!! You'd think by now I'd have learned that all of my fears are magnified in that dark hour and I'm much more rational during daylight hours.

I think I'm at the point where I could hold a (very slow) conversation in basic French. I'm probably deluding myself.

Fri, 19 May 2006 15:33:03 GMT

So I put some miles on the car today. Drove to W'loo for the meeting, then to Dubuque for lunch and a movie with Mom, then down to IC to meet with Kristina. My ass hurts and my legs need to walk. Twas good though. Talking with Kristina was especially helpful. She really didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know but it's stuff that's good to hear over and over. Her overall words of wisdom were to just be flexible. Things will work out, sometimes not in the way you expect, or on the timeline you expect, but just learn to go with the flow. Oh, and to tell my family not to send anything in boxes. Apparently bubble-wrap lined envelopes are much less likely to get stolen or opened.

So at the moment I'm feeling good and excited and confident and all of these good things. Only one concern: around about the middle of our conversation my left eye started twitching. The last time I remember this happening was my last semester of grad school when I was trying to finish all sorts of projects and survive holiday retail on very little sleep and lots of No-Doz. I don't think other people can tell that it's happening but it is rather annoying for me. It doesn't happen that often--only when I'm really stressed. But the thing is that talking about PC stuff with someone who's done it doesn't stress me out. Talking about it with Adam, yep that can be stressful. Talking with someone who's been there gets me all motivated again. I don't know what my subconscious eye is trying to tell me.

Fri, 19 May 2006 15:27:49 GMT

So life has been bumbling along. Work has slowed back down to a normal pace. I'm working on my French and not stressing as much about leaving. Dani and Scott set their date for the 2nd weekend in January in Jamaica and I found out that it won't be a problem for me to get some time off. Well, it won't be a problem in the sense that I will have vacation days built up and I can be away from my site. The very expensive plane ticket will be a problem. The emotional turmoil that leaving after six months--even if it only is for a week or so and not actually to my home--will most likely be a problem. But of course there is no way I'd miss the wedding. Last night I spent several hours over at Steve and Alicia's and she did a fantastic job quelling some of my fears. I can do this.

I shouldn't do this at night...so much time to think and not sleep

Fri, 19 May 2006 15:25:22 GMT

Jeanna found this online journal of a girl in PC Chad right now and I just made it through a couple entries tonight. And I'm scared. I mean really scared. Oh my god what am I doing thinking that I can do this?! The language, the teaching, the BUGS! And lately I'm feeling that everyone thinks I should be all excited all the time about "this great experience." And I am excited. But I'm finding some HUGE doubts too and they're getting to me and it feels like no one wants to hear that. What if they picked the wrong person?

I can only speak in run on sentences

Fri, 19 May 2006 15:20:57 GMT

I feel like I'm in school again and agonizing over writing a paper. It's just so hard to put all that I am and hope for and expect and want out of this experience down on paper when I know that I'm being judged on it. I have to explain (yet again) what I expect from my PC service and assignment and how I plan to adjust to living in a new culture. Then I have to update my resume to show how my current and previous work and volunteer experience will relate to my assignment. All of this will be sent to the PC director in Chad and this is the only information on me that they will receive in order to determine my work location before I get there and they can actually meet me. They don't get to see all of the other statements and whatnot that I've written throughout the application process. Ugg.
On the plus side, I got my passport/visa photos taken today and they turned out much better than the one on my current passport so I look a little more human.
And Mother Nature is dumping lots of snow this year to make up for all of the time that I will be without it. Another 6-8 inches this morning and I was off so the kids and I made a snow fort and snow angels and threw snowballs at George. I even enjoyed shoveling it. And hot chocolate with marshmellows. It deserves to be said again that I love winter.

busy times

Fri, 19 May 2006 15:18:42 GMT

So I got home on Friday night to find the envelope I've been waiting for for over a year now. They're sending me to Chad. I read that and thought, oh, Chad...I know absolutely nothing about that country. No preconceived notions has been a good thing. I'm leaving June 19 for training. It's all very real now. The good folks in Washington DC sent me all sorts of information about the country and my assignment and they certainly don't sugar coat anything. I skimmed through the information pack to get the gist of things and the part that stood out the most as a possible concern was the following paragraph: "In Chad...the notion of privacy versus the need to be surrounded by people during moments of frustration, sadness or illness also differ. Your Chadian neighbors and colleagues may go out of their way to ensure that you are never alone. Women typically do not travel alone, and do not walk alone anyplace." Ummm, this will be hard to get used to as I am a person who needs time alone to de-stress, unwind, just think things through, etc. That's part of the reason I never moved to Waterloo--the drive gives me time to leave work at work. It's also probably why I never date anyone who lives closer than an hour away. So I'm not sure (and I'm sure they'll ask) how I'll deal with it being "socially unacceptable for you, as a woman, to be alone." Alicen warned me from the very beginning that that might come up. Other highlights about this country that will be my home for two years and three months: it's very hot. Average daily temps from February to June exceed 120 degrees F. Yikes! Now I know why they told me not to get plastic glasses frames. Women do not wear shorts or any clothing that exposes the legs above the knees, shoulders, or have a low front/back. I always joked about living in a mud hut but it turns out that that's what it will probably be. Unreliable phones. Internet/email access is virtually non-existent outside of the capital. Water and sanitation are lacking in most areas. Mail is infrequent. Your diet consists of rice, millet, and sorghum. And occasional drop shipments of easy mac when your family wants to show they love you :) I'll be teaching English to classes of up to 80 students ranging in age from 15 to 25 years old. How the hell am I gonna do that?!
So I called Adam to let him know and he didn't say much. I was still trying to process it all at that time so I decided to let it go. I had a good headache going and just wanted to go to sleep and read more about it in the morning. I closed again on Saturday so was planning to sleep in but Lois called around 7:45 to say that Grandma had another stroke and she couldn't find Mom so I needed to track her down. I thought this was it for sure. Jeanna and I drove to Dubuque to see her and I just couldn't see how she could survive another one, but that she did. The doctors said they could tell she been having lots of little strokes. We hung out there with Rosann for awhile and they said they would do more tests on Monday but I haven't heard any results yet.
Saturday night after work I drove to Marshalltown because Adam was spending the whole T'giving weekend with his parents. I love talking to people in bed when you're very close yet the lights are off and I just feel less guarded so I brought up me leaving again. Asked him if he was happy to know when he'd be rid of me. He said he wasn't saying too much because he knew that this was a decision that I needed to make on my own and he didn't want to try and change my mind either way. I mentioned that I've been serious about this all along and I always knew that when I got my assignment that I would accept it and give it my best shot. This has been a surprising reaction that I've gotten from several people. They're surprised that I'm actually going. Did they think I've been kidding for the last year when I said that I wanted to join the Peace Corps?
We talked some more but then I couldn't sleep that night. Or any night since then for that matter. I have this kink in my neck courtesy of several nights on Mom and Dad's couch. Sunday we went to a movie and getting up to leave the theater I almost started crying. My feet and neck were killing me. I had all of this stuff about Chad and the Peace Corps on my mind. And I'm PMSing. Bad combination. When I finally got back to CR that night I tried reading more of the handbook they sent but in this emotional state I just kept doubting myself and my ability to "face all of the challenges that come with accepting your assignment to serve in the Peace Corps." I need to let them know by Friday. I know that this is something that I want and need to do. But that doesn't make it any easier to think about leaving all of the people that mean so much to me here. That's where I'm at now. I need to go to bed. They sent me a CD-ROM with all sorts of more information on Chad that I haven't had time to look at and now it'll just have to wait another day.

holy balls I'm excited

Fri, 19 May 2006 15:14:22 GMT

So I just came downstairs to kill some time and write about how I've been doing nothing lately. I've been home since Tuesday and it's been very nice and quiet. I decided to check my email first and amidst all the junk from yahoo, Southwestern, and Hallmark there was a little entry that made my heart jump: from Peace Corps re: Your account status has been updated. I really haven't thought much about that lately (I mean it's never far from my mind but it's not the constant when-will-I-ever-hear-anything feeling that I had for quite awhile.) The last time I talked to someone they made it sound like it would be closer to spring before I heard anything so I've been going about life as normal and every once in awhile thinking that I should be brushing up on my French but never actually doing anything about it. When I got into my account it said, "Congratulations you have been invited to serve with the Peace Corps." Now, it's been so long since I've looked at my account that I can't remember what my old status was and what exactly this new one meant. Turns out they mailed my invitation from DC on November 19 by certified mail. It should give me more details on the country I'll be going to, the actual job assignment, and the departure date. Egads my heart is racing. Everytime I get more news like this I'm equal parts excited and scared. Okay 70/30. It just seems so real again. I have 10 days from when I get the letter to accept or decline. Jeanna said when she left CR yesterday there was nothing in the mail for me. So that means it will probably/hopefully get there tomorrow. Now I need to decide if it's worth another 2 hours driving time to go back to CR before heading to work in W'loo tomorrow just to know where I might be spending the next couple years of my life. Yes, I think that might make working the closing shift on Black Friday just a little easier to take. Yay!!

Oh, and the only thing I was going to write before I found out all of that was that I really love Thanksgiving. It's hands down my favorite holiday with all the food, and people in the house, and it's cold outside, and even with little Maggie added underfoot this year sniffing every corner of the kitchen for any dropped bits of food, and the forced football watching, and even though I'm always the one who get stuck sleeping on the couch....I just love it all.

oh see, I always thought they meant June 2005

Fri, 19 May 2006 15:02:01 GMT

After months and months of hearing nothing and endless worrying/waiting I finally got some answers from the Peace Corps last week...but it certainly wasn't what I wanted to hear. Since then I've been trying to make myself be ok with the possibility that it just might never happen for me. And that thought alone has just made me quite unfeeling or unenthusiastic about much else this week. I was selfishly wrapped up in my own pity party. Then on Tuesday I got a call from one of the placement officers and she asked all sorts of questions about my volunteer experiences. On Wednesday someone else called and said that my medical clearance finally came through with no placement restrictions. She also said that my file was being transfered to another placement worker because the Asian programs were all closed. Finally today I received yet another call. This time it was the woman in charge of the African programs and she said they have an opening teaching English as a second language in a French speaking African country that I qualify for. Holy balls, how does so much change in three days?! Only problem is that this particular program doesn't leave until June 2006 so it'll still be a while. She also told me that if I wanted to leave sooner they have an opening in the same area doing small business development, and that one is leaving in January. I felt a little pressured having to give her an answer right away, but decided that I would still rather pursue the educational program and wait a bit longer. And all she could tell me was that it was a sub-Saharan country because apparently they can't discuss specific countries over the phone. It'll still be a couple months before I receive the actual invitation, so in the meantime she recommended I brush up on my French and try to get some ESL experience teaching to a whole class instead of one-on-one. Yikes! Still a little skeptical, and afraid of getting my hopes up again, I asked her how definite this was because I've been given general dates in the past and they've come and gone several times now. She said nothing is definite until I receive and accept an invitation but that I do have a spot reserved in this program and baring a civil war or environmental disaster I could be fairly certain of this one. And oh my gosh I don't know how to explain just what I'm feeling right now. Maybe tempered excitement. I'm getting a headache from so many thoughts running around. Very happy to finally hear something good, but next June still seems so far away. I just want to do that running jump thing where you click your heels together mid-air. That's what I'm feeling.

what's stronger than a dream, but not quite yet a plan?

Fri, 19 May 2006 14:58:52 GMT

Had plans for a kickball tournament and the sweet corn festival today but this crappy weather thwarted my plans so I decided to hang out at Java Creek and figure some stuff out. Try to anyway. I think I've decided that I'll stay with B&N at least through the holidays and probably until Missy gets back from maternity leave. At that point, if I feel I'm no closer to going anywhere with PC then it'll be time for a serious conversation with myself in which the decision to be made will be either to #1: quit B&N and look for a children's librarian position. This would probably involve moving away from Iowa and I'm ok with that. OR...#2: Sell my car, put my possessions in storage and set up automatic bank withdrawals for the smallest amount I can get away with and still be making student loan payments on time. Take some savings and travel. Maybe 6 months, maybe a year if I really love it, maybe only a couple weeks if I hate it. Find a way to make money along the way. When my traveling days are done I'd probably come back and go the library route anyway.
Right now my heart says go with option #2 because #1 sounds too much like "settling down." And I'd be afraid that I'd regret not taking the chance to do other things. One thing that that scares me is doing it on my own. It's one thing to go to Vegas or London by myself for a short time and another to think about farther away for a longer period of time. Someone who would make the inevitable awkward situations easier to handle and laugh about, but would also understand that at other times it's better to explore by ourselves. And it's easy to find people who say, 'oh, I always wanted to do that.' or 'that sounds like lots of fun.' But experience has taught me that those type of people are almost never really serious about actually doing it. It's like skydiving--people say they'll do it but usually back out when the time comes.
Two things could throw my ideas out the window and the first hasn't happened in the last year, and the second hasn't happened in the last 28, so I guess I'm feeling a lack of faith/hope in those areas right now.

don't make important phone calls on a lunch break

Fri, 19 May 2006 14:56:32 GMT

After conversations with several people on Friday I decided to call the PC recruiting office to see if they could give me any information because I'm tired of hearing nothing and saying the same things over and over anytime anyone asks what's happening. So at lunch today I called up there and they weren't much help. Since Alicen has left I don't really have a recruiter anymore and the only thing anyone else could tell me was that the med kit was still under review but that I should be hearing something soon. Well I've heard that for 10 months now. So I called the Washington office and found out that I've changed placement officers now too. I explained to her all of the stages I've gone through already and explained that I really just wanted to know what I could expect from here timing wise. Is it normal to go for so long without hearing anything? The program I was nominated for was leaving in August and obviously I'm not going with it so now what? Right off the bat she said 'Well all of the programs that are leaving in August and September have already been filled so I can tell you that you won't be going with any of those.' So the next logical question was what does that mean, when is the next program that I qualify for? But she tap danced around and wouldn't give me a straight response. She said I've been nominated, am 3/4 of the way thru the invitation phase, and then I still need to be qualified. I wanted to scream, 'And then what?! Do you wrap me up in a bow with all of that fucking red tape and finally send me somewhere?' So finally she said that all of the programs leaving in October, November, and December are full too so forget about going anywhere this year. That was it. I felt like she ripped open my heart and stomped all over this little dream I've had. I didn't even know what to say and still don't have the right words for exactly what I felt like. I was crying and thank goodness I was working in receiving today because the last thing I wanted to do was fuck around with schedules and reviews and ISO crap and dealing with customers. I had to tell Michelle what I found out because she know something was going on and her response was that she thought I should be happy that at least I knew something would happen in January. But I don't know that. I could still be at the same place then that I am now. So she said that she would just stop actively recruiting for my position until after the holidays. I didn't say anything and finally she asked if she actually still did need to keep looking now. And at this point I don't even know. I really feel like I could go either way right now. When I first applied to PC that wasn't a decision I made lightly. I didn't do it to just see what would happen. In my mind I was going and I try to follow through on my word so I put a lot of energy, especially in the last few months, into getting myself mentally and emotionally ready to start something completely different. But now it feels like for what? Was this last year just wasted time? What things would I have done differently if I wasn't always wondering if I'd be leaving in a couple months? I feel like such a fool. And a failure. And so where to go from here? With my hopes for doing something different crushed (for the immediate future anyway) should I just leave them buried? Abandon what some have called a silly dream? It would be one thing if I knew I would be leaving in January but there are no promises. When do I say enough is enough and move on? And the very last thing I want to hear, but the first thing people seem to say, is that everything happens for a reason. Hindsight is 20/20 and someday I'll look back and this will all make sense. Fuck that! I don't care about that right now! It's like when you're breaking up with someone and they say 'it's not you, it's me.' I don't care how true it is, sometimes you just don't want to hear it. Right now that just isn't a good enough reason for me. I'm just really sad right now and just keep saying, 'I don't know, I don't know.' Can I just not think about it for a while and sleep?

the girl is bored

Fri, 19 May 2006 14:51:38 GMT

dum-ditty

dum-ditty

dum, dum, dum

OH! There's this tiny little voice getting louder all the time saying that even if PC never deems me suitable to go anywhere that I should just take off and see the lesser seen parts of the world a la Honeymoon with My Brother. The only thing really stopping me is all the money I owe in student loans that they insist I pay back. Maybe I can sue my landlord for harassment (I think he's spying on me), put an ad on-line for a world-traveling companion (because it's more fun with company), and take off for parts yet unknown. For like a year. Hmmm.

Fri, 19 May 2006 14:49:10 GMT

I think I'm allergic to air conditioning. I only have that pathetic little window unit so I only turn it on on nights when it gets really humid. And every time I do I wake up with red, puffy, itchy eyes and a runny nose. And then I go to work and it's so cold in there that by the end of the day my back is tense from all the shivering. No happy medium. Except on my porch where there's always a good breeze.

Tim Bryant came into the store the other day and gave me quite a scare. He said at this stage in the PC process they could move really fast. Like I could receive a letter saying I have 2 weeks to get everything wrapped up here and be off to training. 2 weeks?! What the hell would I do then? I think I'd quit work on the spot and could probably get all the logistics with my apartment, bills, and financial stuff worked out, but I think emotionally it might be a shock to have to say goodbye in such a rush. I'll take the Scarlett way out and say I'll worry about that later if I have to.

This weekend was rather boring. Went to the Piano Bar on Saturday night but even that was pretty dull. Missy and I went out to breakfast at AJ's after the meeting this morning. Who knew that place could be so clean? Or that they have a red ceiling? And really good french toast.

I picked out this book because the first line on the back cover was, "It's my life, and if I want to run from it, I can."

limbo

Fri, 19 May 2006 14:45:43 GMT

I'm feeling rather bored today. Maybe bored isn't the right word. Just unmotivated to do anything. Which is strange because it's gorgeous out and there are all sorts of things going on that I would normally love to do. Yesterday I opened at work and there must've been something in the water because everyone was in a good/goofy mood. By the time I left I had all this energy and spent the drive home trying to think of all the reasons why I should or shouldn't go to Des Moines for the weekend. I thought about it all night and still this morning as I lay on the couch pretending to watch TV. Around the time the fourth home improvement show was starting I resigned myself to the idea that if I was questioning it so much it probably, ultimately, wasn't the right thing for me to do. What is harder to deal with: the regret of never being brave enough to know for sure, or the disappointment of possibly hearing what you feared?
I recently tried explaining to someone about the weird state of limbo that I feel my life is in right now. I know that I'm ready to be done with retail, but I'm waiting to hear a definite answer from the Peace Corps. But no one can tell me for sure how much longer it might be. They said August but that seems to be getting awfully close with still no word. In the meantime I have a hard time making plans for the future. I want to take a trip with Erin but plane tickets are non-refundable. I don't want to start a new relationship (ha! as if it were just that simple anyway) because I don't want another reason to stay if the PC thing comes thru. This uncertainty is making me a little nutty.

Fri, 19 May 2006 14:42:23 GMT

Once I made up my mind it all just became more than I'm willing to put up with/care about any longer. I swear if I don't hear anything soon I'm quitting in August anyway, selling all my stuff, and just going somewhere, anywhere, away. Time to run away. I mean move on.

deep breath (again)

Fri, 19 May 2006 14:36:25 GMT

Well, the final test results came in and all is normal. No HIV, no TB, my blood is O positive, and my hemoglobin levels are slightly low but the doctor says this is no big deal. One of those things where I didn't realize how worried I was until I found out I had no reason to worry. Tomorrow I need to find a FedEx box and in 4-6 weeks I should know. Oh who am I kidding, they say 4-6 weeks but it always takes twice as long. But still.